I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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