Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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