Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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