His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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