All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize