I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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