I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize