then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize