I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
