I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
