Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
