You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
