he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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