So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
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