He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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