so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
