We're like a lot better than the average bears
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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