I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
