I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize