Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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