my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
