It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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