You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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