I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
