look no pants
I smell stomach acid.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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