Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
