I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Is it penis luge time yet?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
