is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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