Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
