I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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