i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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