Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
