The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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