The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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