last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
