you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
