I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
