I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize