Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
