you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
