I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The best revenge is premature balding
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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