I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
