You're so nebulous sometimes
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
