yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
