i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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