Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
