dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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