Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
