Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
time to smoke my breakfast
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I pour the whiskey from now on
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
