i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I looked at my own cervix.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
