it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
