i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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