The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
