I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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