My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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