I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
