I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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