When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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