And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
