I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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