i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
