i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
