I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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