Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She even gives head with a lisp.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize