Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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