The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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