So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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